One of the hardest things I think for people to to do is wait. As a society we are bombarded with phrases like "quick fix", "fast food", "time-saver" and "immediate results" to entice us. Anything to get the job done faster is better. Anything that makes life easier is a necessity. Buy our tickets ahead of time - why would we ever want to wait in line?! Call ahead. Go online. Pre-order it. Have it delivered to you. Rush-order. Get it fast. Get it first. Get it now.
Who wants to wait?
You deserve what you want, when you want it. If you have to wait too long - your meal should be free. Unhappy with the service? You deserve a store-credit. A complimentary gift card. Lots of apologies. "Thank you for waiting - you're call is important to us. Please hold." How dare they put me on hold again! Nothing infuriates us and puts us on edge more than those words "please continue to hold". Except maybe waiting in traffic. Waiting at a red-light. Waiting for customer service. Waiting for the the slowest person ever to get out of the bathroom! Why does this store only have 1 stall?! Who only has 1 stall?!
Waiting makes us use words like "ridiculous" and "unheard of" as we pace, tap, stomp, sigh and roll our eyes.
Blood pressure rising.
And if I am honest, I will say it too - I hate waiting.
Waiting in line to buy groceries or waiting to talk to the doctor on the phone is annoying sometimes. But that's not the hardest kind of waiting. It's not that big of a deal to wait 30 minutes at the pharmacy. Ideal? No. But those are the things I need keep perspective about. Those are the things that will get done in due time - and I won't be deeply affected because of it.
But waiting for God's plan.
Waiting for an answered prayer.
Waiting for some direction.
Waiting for this little boy to find a family.
That is the waiting I can't wrap my mind around.
That is the waiting that hurts my heart and messes with my head and lays like a heavy rock on my chest. That is the waiting that makes it hard to breath sometimes. Hard to think. Hard to sleep.
That is the waiting that makes me feel so unworthy of the blessings I have - when so many are in need.
That is the waiting that makes me feel helpless. And I don't like feeling helpless. Boy do we mother's hate that.
But that is the waiting that makes me blink back tears and look up to God and say "I just don't know what You want me to do now. I just don't know if I'm doing it right...or doing enough. I just don't know why I still feel lost. I just...don't...know."
And isn't that worse than waiting sometimes?
When you know what you are waiting for - it is hard to wait.
But when you don't know what you're waiting for - it's kind of overwhelming.
It's like those time when you are so confused you don't even know how to ask for help. Or so hurt you don't know what could help. Or what to pray for.
Those times you just don't know what to say or if you should say anything at all.
Aren't those the most difficult?
For someone who likes to talk - and usually has a pretty good handle on what she wants (or thinks she wants) - it's such a strange feeling to experience. And over the past 2 and half weeks I've gone from emotionally touched, to passionately active, to emotionally distraught, and now...almost numb. Numb is the best way I can describe it. And I don't know why. Writing this now I feel myself slowing coming out of it - regaining feeling - but when I think "okay, now what?!" the numbness starts to creep in again. I've asked myself -what is going on here? Why do I feel as if I'm shutting down? Am I just too weak - to drained by the recent swell of emotions I've experienced - and I'm giving up? Or is this God's way of calming the tempest of tears and desperate prayers that borderline impatience, and giving me a rest?
I tend to believe the latter.
I know how much God loves me. And I know He is there for all of His children - there to give them what they need when they themselves don't know what that is. And I know I have prayed for patience. And I have prayed for guidance. And I have cried and begged for help. Help me have faith. Help me be content with waiting on You, Lord. Help me stop crying and trust You.
And now I find myself not crying, not hysterical, not hurting, not frantically emailing and asking and talking and thinking.
And I find myself waiting.
And somewhat at peace just to wait.
And here I am... questioning it!?
Writing it down and seeing what is going on actually makes me LAUGH! Did I not ask for help? Did I not ask for Him to teach me to wait? And now that's all I can do - is wait - and I'm upset again?! Oh how God must look at me with a knowing smile and shake His head. Just like when Jet frantically reaches for me then turns around and goes right back to his Daddy. He got what he wanted then changed his mind. :) Are we not just like immature children who ask for one thing then promptly forget and complain about what we were given. But it's such a natural tendency. And it is so easy to be blinded by our earthy knowledge and confused by the spiritual.
I have felt such a roller coaster of emotions over little Shea.
Wanting to help him. Wondering if we could be the family for him. Excited at the possibility. Deciding to wait and pray about it. Heartsick at not being in the position to commit to adopting Shea right now. Anxious about his future. Grateful for the success of his fundraisers. Impatient at still waiting. Praying God would show us the way. Meeting another family who was willing and ready to ADOPT Shea! Fighting the feelings of "hey - I saw him first" and realizing God's hand in this beautiful family coming for Shea. At peace and rejoicing when they started the adoption process. Ecstatic that they lived nearby! In awe that I would be so close to Shea and his new family. Praising God for His wisdom. Confused and panic-stricken when they were denied. Heartbroken for them. Renewed sadness for Shea. Wondering again what our role in this should be. Scared that we weren't seeing God's plan clearly. Contemplating how (again) we might be Shea's family. Hearing that several other inquiries have been made about Shea from interested families. Not sure how to feel - excited? Pressured? Thankful?
And everyone knows - I hate roller coasters.
They make me sick.
They really do scare me.
They are not fun in the least.
I never want to ride one again - ever.
But I'm sure this is not the end of this particular roller coaster. And as much as I might beg to get off of it - once you are on it, there's no getting off of it until it's finished.
So in the mean time, I'll do what I've always done when riding on roller coasters.
I'll close my eyes.
Hold on tight.
Say a prayer.